Went to the gym today…again without eating ..9am appt with my trainer….cluster fuck….mental note: EAT SOME FUCKING THING BEFORE WORKING OUT….dumbshit
Never in my ‘aware’ life did I EVER think I’d be this out of shape…correction, did I think I’d become physically ill trying to get back into shape. This is the third week in a row that I have felt nauseous during a workout. Mind you, I’m not doing shit really…..my body is just that far gone……it’s quite depressing, really.
How long have I been ‘un-aware ‘ is the real question? Just living on auto-pilot? Couldn’t tell ya. I’ve been off work almost a year. The previous two years felt entirely out of my control. One year mom was sick, then diagnosed, then miserable, then dead. The following year I just went thru the motions of work, eat, breath, repeat…until my sister was actually ready to start the process of selling the property.
Certainly, the last three years I haven’t been ‘living’………..and I would think that at least two years before that as well……so, it’s been a good 5 years on auto-pilot. And I have absolutely gone to pot…as in a mess, not drugs. Drugs and drinking have never been my real ‘thing’……that would be food. And that would be a whole kettle of fish….as my grandma would say.
Love to eat…..where will we go? What will I have? How soon will it happen? That’s pretty much it……fill the immediate need….not a lot of thought goes into it.
I have done it before…..gotten back to my fighting weight, as it was…..just don’t know what to fight for now…..i’ve been alone so long………….oooohh-weee………looks like I’ve got issues……duh, I KNOW…I just have to figure out some sort of priority…..whathefuck….ok……that’s way enough for now…
So yeah, I went to the gym today and worked out with my trainer for about 40 minutes….ciao for now
oh honey as you now know ( I hope ) you are not alone. Auto pilot...feeling out of control. These things happen to us all. Watch out for the negative thoughts too. Sometimes it's the things we don't even say out loud that really break us down. My new mantra for the last few months is " good health IS my natural state" My drugs of choice have always been food and pot. Even when I started working out after the babies were born I used to work out as if I was punishing myself. I would usually hurt something and then beat myself up for it. The cycle would continue...
ReplyDeleteI have been looking at myself now like this is the only body I'm going to have and I want to be healthy and live a long time. I want to see my kids grow up and their kids too. I also want to be a good example and the way I was going wasn't the way. I feel better when I'm taking care of myself. Emotionally, mentally and physically...you get where I'm going with this. So, go easy on yourself. Use my favorite term "baby steps" Practice makes...better. xoxo